Keefred's blog

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Day 2. 13-7-07

It isn’t actually day 2, its been 154 days since day one, either I live at a very slow pace or I fell asleep for a very long time, which of course I didn’t really, but I suppose if I suffered from narcolepsy I could have.

Anyway,154 days is a lot, it’s a lot of wee’s I reckon on average 4 a day so that’s 616 wees, if I was a woman it would be 142,672 wees, cos they are always going to the loo, have you noticed ? They seemingly cannot go anywhere without going to the toilet, as soon as you get anywhere with a woman type person it’s ‘oh I’ve just got to pop to the loo’

154 days is also a lot of cappuccinos, I have developed a cappuccino gut to go with my rapidly increasing moobs, and I do wonder if cappuccino is the cause of my moobs as well but I’m not sure. I do know I have perfected the perfect instant Nescafe cappo recipe.

I will share it with you, insert 2 sachets of Nescafe cappo into a mug, put one inch of milk ( that’s 25 mm to all you young people ) add hot water. Stirring is very important, if you don’t do it right you end up with what we call in the trade, a cup of ‘snotlike cappo’, or ‘snottochino’, this is to be avoided at all costs as if you inadvertently sip a lump it is possible you may choke and have to get a workmate to perform one of them emergency trachea thingys on you with a bic biro case.

So what you have to do is put a further inch ( 25 mm ) of hot ( not boiling ) water in and stir rapidly, then remove the spoon and fill up mug with hot ( not boiling ) water. I have found myself addicted to cappos and was having ten cups a day, so that was 20 sachets of Nescafe cappos a day hence the development of my cappo gut, but to my taste this was the perfect cappo.

Having become concerned by my expanding waistline and finding that a 34 waist jean was not very loose any more, not leaving enough room for anyone to stick their hand down the front of them unless they were made of the same stuff as that bloke in Terminator 2 I decided to do something about this.

I had thought of doing one sit up a day but decided this was a bit over the top, so what I did was buy one box of full fat cappos and one box of half fat cappos and have one sachet of each at a time, I did toy with ‘lite’ cappos but in addition tasting completely poo they didn’t have the rather fetching pictures of Trinny and Susanah on the box either.

So, 154 days of 20 cappo sachets a day is 3080 sachets of cappo I have had and each one is 16 grams that’s 49,280 grams of cappos, if there are still 1000 grams in a kilogram that’s 49.28 kilos of cappo which is the same as 2 bags of cement dust !! Ferk, that’s a lot of cappo.

I just know anyone who reads this will find that very very interesting indeed.

Other things what I have done, well, I have seen some womans pants, and I have bought another motorbike and I have got a new job which I start on 1 st August. I am going to be a top executive and play ‘carpet golf’ in the afternoons.

Even more important than all that ( apart from the pants ) is I have invented a new swear word, this is brilliant, what you say is Arf Arking, see it sounds like something else innit ? its even better if you say Arf Arf Arf Arking, you just cannot leave a big enough gap between the words, go on you try it, Arf Arking, see, if anyone says anything you can say you used to be a welder and if it wasn’t working properly it was called ‘Half Arcing’ but because you is a cockeney you say it as Arf Arking right and they can’t tell you off or anything.

Tum tee tum tee tum, I am off my medication, big time.

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About me.

Day 1, 9-2-07

I am a multi-millionaire Ex Chippendale; I have a Nectar card with nearly 46,000 points so I consider myself a bit of a catch.

As of Jan 2007 I am up to 45,586 Nectar points and I am getting admiring glances from the checkout ladies in Sainsbury’s, I notice a certain gleam in their eye as they swipe my card.

Being a social inadequate I live in the hope that if I post enough times on a thread you started you will realise I am interested in communicating with you and contact me first.

Since giving up crack cocaine and absinthe I find myself strangely attracted to persons of the women type persuasion and seem to have developed a healthy ( but non addictive ) interest in their undergarments. I have heard rumours, though I must stress that they are only rumours that in certain situations they can be persuaded to remove their liberty bodice etc while you are actually in the same room, amazing, I hope one day to enjoy such spectacle.

I do not like men, I have always found myself to prefer the company of women, nor am I very manly, I spent my childhood as an errand boy at the local monastery and never perfected the ‘manly arts’ such as burping, liking football, breaking wind and constantly having a rummage down the front of my jogging bottoms wherever I may be.

I am a complete spanner, needy, insecure, tons of emotional baggage and do not play well with others.

I have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary brother and they both have imaginary girlfriends, one of whom got married recently and honeymooned in the Bahamas, they now live at Kings Hill.

I hate football, but I like Music, Lulworth Cove, Kimmeridge, Bluewater, Valdermossa, Wrotham, Broadstairs, Disneyland ( Florida of course) Reading ( books with words as well as pictures in )

Music, well, Chopin, Disco, Jazz Funk, Soulful Vocal Disco, Deep House, I have my own pirate record label called ‘Keefgroove’ and am up to over 80 compilations which take up quite a lot of my time, I hope to launch 'Keef Fm' soon, but it’s not like I have anything else to do innit, apart from manage my quite considerable string collection or re-sort my railway timetables.

I always wanted to speak like Mr Chumondley-Warner or a minor Royal like Tara Palmer-Thingy but my resistance to this sort of thing as a child ( along with enforced Ballroom Dancing Lessons, Algebra, learning Julius Caesar by rote and being forced to watch the Open University ) made me adopt a nasal estuary English speaking voice as a form of rebellion.

To my great regret I now find I am unable to shrug this off along with a lifelong distrust of men with beards and leather patches sown onto the elbows of their jackets, however I did develop a vague understanding of Pythagoras and the like which has served me absolutely no use so far or at the time, when I could have really done with knowing how best to make an indestructible conker or attach a piece of Persil packet to my pushbike to make it sound like the Bat Mobile, but I live in hope of knowing how to work out the circumference of a circle becoming a life or death situation, then I can shine.

Although I have read a million books my spelling and punctuation is pants, and although I know loads of long words I don’t how to pronounce them having not heard them used in real life.

To keep myself in trim I sometimes jog to the fag shop, having now taken up the ‘healthy option’ in the smoking arena, Roll Ups that is, I find that every item of clothing I own as well as the seats of my car have small holes burnt in them, I have set myself on fire 3 times now.

To stay feeling young (as well as using Oil of Olay on a regular basis ) I live at my mothers house, however she does charge me a truly outrageous rent of £30 a week, yes, A WEEK ! Though this includes many of the sky channels I have no interest in sport so am refusing to wash and wipe up until I get a reduction, I have got Social Services and Amnesty International involved in my cause.

I have a low alcohol tolerance, I can get quite drunk on one small Stella if I drink it quick, though on my 40 th I did indulge in 5 Southern Comfort and lemonades at The Lotus in Docklands, upon disembarking I discovered it is just not possible to execute a Triple Lindy followed by a Half Pike in a drop of less that 16 feet off the dockside, there lies one of the evils of the Devils Brew though my hearty thanks go out to the wonderful members of HM's River Police who swiftly came to the rescue and even went to the trouble of sending down a diver to retrieve my gold Half Hunter which had slipped out of my waistcoat pocket.

Last week I invented a new word ‘PLAP’ ® which really means 'to swing your arms like windmills, counter clockwise' but can also be used in every day language for pretty much anything ‘would you like a Plap’ ‘I am Plapped’ ‘Plap off’ ‘Plap me’ etc.

I don’t 'do Salsa' but I’m up for pretty much anything else, but the ‘bottle of wine and a DVD ploy’ will just not work, I am not an easy lay and do you know how hurtful it is just to be thought of as a sex object ? ( You know who you are ) and anyway if I had a bottle of wine I would just be sick down your settee ( I warned you, didn’t I )

I like shopping, going to the pictures, though only ‘poshing it up’ at Bluewater in The Gallery far away from the Proletariat, Chinese food.


In the words of my spiritual leader and lifestyle guru ( skee-lo )

I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
And a six four impala

I have no idea what this really means, though the last line is a car, but I like the tune and am lobbying my local Vicar to include it in this weeks hymns.

I would be deeply suspicious of anyone contacting me as I feel they would have to be a right nut job or only after my 8-squillion pounds lottery winnings rather than my dashing good looks, snake-like hips and rapier wit.


The above is mostly the truth, should you read it and think I have either a personality or a sense of humour you would be very much mistaken.


My ideal woman would be Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Well ok, if I have to define ideal, ideal would be Kylie but taller ( Kylie Minouge I mean, not Kylie Baker that works in Blockbusters Sidcup ) someone earning in excess of 60 k a year, expense account, Porsche Boxster, 5 bedroom detached house WITH a swimming pool, please, no more timewasters, Tut.

I like children and small animals; although I have no children myself I still am one so we usually get on fine.